Graduation: Flipping the Script

Listening to my children and learning more about what they - and their generation - are thinking about.

“Wear Sunscreen”

Mary Schmich; Graduation Speech

This week, two of my children graduate high school. Punctuating life transitions like this often abound with ritual and advice. I looked around for some insight - from books, blogs and friends - yet in contrast to the insights about marriages, births, coming of age ceremonies and other liminal life moments, the recommendations for this transition felt lacking. Brilliant as it is, there are only so many times I can read Dr. Seuss’s “Oh The Places You’ll Go.”

I considered writing my own letters to my children reflecting on the last 18 years while offering my hopes, dreams and advice for their future - a recommendation from several of my really thoughtful friends. I may still do so; perhaps more for me then for them, as I’m not sure they want (or need) more advice from me at this moment. Even if they did, I wondered how much insight from the past holds up amid the complexity they will inherent in the future. If they needed advice, they could read the well-internet-traveled commencement speech (the one that everyone thought was given by Kurt Vonnegut at MIT, but was actually written by Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich), and wear some sunscreen.

So I decided instead to turn this moment back to who it is mostly about - them. I took a moment to interview my high school seniors about their experiences - what did they love about the past? What are they thinking about the future? And how did/could we, their parents, be there for support along the way?

Their answers felt both more surprising and less all at the same time. Below, I share some of their wisdom on standing in the yin/yang of transitions - looking back while looking forward, seeking stability while experiencing change, feeling optimistic while being surrounded by concern, craving independence while seeking support.

For those of you experiencing transitions, I hope this wisdom helps.

The most important thing we can offer our children is both roots and wings. Roots to feel grounded and wings to grow.

I took the time to interview my daughter and my son independently. Here are some excerpts from those discussions.

What have you valued about your high school experience?

My daughter: I really loved being at a school where I’ve been seen and supported by adults that I respect. I’ve found it exciting to put myself in leadership roles and think about what it takes to make the school better and knowing that I can make change. I’m proud of having led important communities, and having started a new club that will continue on after I’m gone. I realize I have to let go, that the next leaders will take it into the way that they want, but mostly I’m excited that this will live on and leave a legacy at the school. This feels like the both/and of picking up space and letting go of space

My son: I worked hard in part because I wanted to see myself succeed, but I also learned some things about working hard. First, I learned that I would work harder when there were classes - and even units within classes - that I was interested in. For example, I loved coming to school to go to my engineering class - and even more the unit on mechanical engineering where I was excited to walk into school and build a bridge out of spaghetti. Second, I learned about managing the stress - taking time to talk to friends, having other activities outside of my schoolwork, like frisbee or robotics helped me with my schoolwork. I guess it’s the both/and of work and play.

What are you looking forward to?

My daughter: I’m ready to be more expansive in my learning. I’ve loved so many of my teachers, but I’m also ready to learn from new people. I’m excited to take more nuanced classes - start studying psychology; maybe I’ll take a math class that I love. I'm also ready to move on to new challenges; there’s only so many times I can fight to have tampons available in the women’s bathrooms in high school and it happens for the first week of school and then its gone. Its time for someone else to take up that fight. I’m also hope for my future self that I took time to follow what was exciting for me, and not what other expect of me knowing that this kind of play and self-exploration is what will eventually lead me to career advancement.

My son: I’ve loved my school, but I’m also ready to broaden my circles of people, of activities, of places. The cool thing about college is that there are more specific classes, and I’m excited to get to take more classes that really focus in on robotics and the things that I’m interested in. At the same time, I don’t want to lock myself into just one thing and I also want to make sure that I also balance that with classes or extracurriculars to just try it out and explore something that I’ve never done before.

What are you worried about as you go to college and how will you manage that?

My daughter: I know a LOT about my school now and I find it really nice that if I have an idea, I know how to make it happen and who to talk to. I’m going to have to relearn all those things in an institution that is ten times as big - how to reserve a room, how to find support on writing an essay, how to get resources for an event. Its the same with my friends; I’ve come to a point with my good friends that there’s no need for performative behavior and it will take me some time to get to that level of comfort with my friends there. This feels like a both/and - both holding space for the excitement of the unknown, but also the discomfort of the unknown.

Our generation is talking a lot about the broader challenges facing today’s world. How are you thinking about those challenges and how will you manage that?

My son. Its a lot to think about, but if I’m constantly worried about the future, then I find that I’m not really living in the moment. So I try to take it one bump at a time. I’ve also really appreciate talking through all these difficulties with friends. There have been big issues where I find that they are complex and I’m feeling uncertain, and being able to talk with friends and hear other people’s options, without judgement or without anyone telling anyone else that their feelings are wrong. That has been really helpful - especially when those friends might have really different opinions.

How were we, as parents, helpful to support you in growing up? What would be useful going forward?

My daughter: I think you taught me a lot about my values; and then how to implement them…. how to write a respectful email when frustrated with someone; how to value a clean room. Going forward, I know that you’ll let me have my space, but also I know that you’ll be there as a safety net to make sure that I don’t crash and catch me if I’m spiraling. I trust that you won’t let me screw up too much, which I feel privileged to have because it lets me push myself a bit farther. I also really appreciate that you are letting me go with the freedom to explore, because you have my back.

My son. I know that you won’t be there to check in each night, and ask me how my day went… and that you’ll be more distant. But I know that you’ll be there for me and keep pushing me to be my best, and to offer the wisdom of your experience. You’ll be there to let me get things off my chest when I need to but also to give advice when I need that.

Thank you to my children for allowing me to learn from them and know more about what they - and their generation - are thinking about.

Its hard to think past college graduation at the moment, but indeed, I’m looking forward to some travel while my kids are off this summer. In July, I’ll be travelling in Europe. I’d love to connect in any of these places if it can work out.

• Athens - July 1-5 European Conference for Organizational Studies

• Barcelona - July 6-23 - A chance to hunker down and write

• Hamburg - July 22-23

• Copenhagen July 23-29 - Academy of Management