Don’t lose your friends and family to politics:

Tips for fostering connecting conversations

Michelle dreaded attending her niece’s bat mitzvah. Though she and her niece shared a close bond through their love of crafting, the family tension over the Middle East conflict made it hard to celebrate.

Michelle’s family members were all shocked and distraught by Hamas’ attacks and hostage capture on October 7th. Yet, over time, their responses diverged. Michelle felt deep concern for the death and destruction in Gaza and posted on Facebook calling for a ceasefire. Her brother, outraged by what he saw as a lack of support for Israel, responded to her post by calling her an anti-Zionist. Their relationship became strained, avoiding both the topic and each other.

With her niece’s bat mitzvah approaching, Michelle felt anxious. She wanted to show up and connect with her family but felt distant and isolated. What should she do? 

We address that question in this newsletter.

The increase in global challenges and conflicts creates issues that are personal, existential… and deeply divisive. Fighting to ensure a better future has devastated the relationships that matter most in our lives. Recent research shows that people increasingly avoid political conversations because they expect negative outcomes. 

People do not have to lose their friends and family to political divides. Instead, we can draw on both/and approaches to turn our differences into points of connection.  It’s not easy. But enabling connecting conversations with friends and family might be the very thing needed to build a better tomorrow. It certainly did so for Michelle. 

With hope for a both/and future -

** We know lots of Michelle’s in our lives. She is not a real person, but an amalgamation of a number of conversations we have both had with friends and family recently!

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I am convinced that men hate each other because they fear each other. They fear each other because they don’t know each other and they don’t know each other because they don’t communicate with each other, and they don’t communicate with each other because they are separated from each other.  And God grant that something will happen to open channels of communication, that something will happen because men of goodwill will rise to the level of leadership. - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1962)

WHY everyday citizens need to talk about difficult issues: 

Embracing opposing perspectives is a cornerstone of effective political systems. The first president of the United States, George Washington, knew that ‘a more perfect union’ depended on embracing opposing perspectives. He built his cabinet to include Federalist Alexander Hamilton and Democratic-Republican Thomas Jefferson - bitter enemies with legendary vehement fights. Ongoing debates filled cramped, smoke-filled Philadelphia garrets. The result, however, was a more inclusive, robust democracy. As our research shows, understanding opposing ideas is often messy and uncomfortable, but results in more creative and long-term sustainable solutions. 

It may seem quaint today to think (and sing and dance) about yesteryear quarrels. It also may seem like those discussions should be held only by our politicians.  Yet effective democracies work when everyday citizens can connect with one another over difficult issues. John Locke understood this when he defined civil discourse in 1690: 

First, by, their civil use, I mean such a communication of thoughts and ideas by words, as may serve for the upholding common conversation and commerce, about the ordinary affairs and conveniences of civil life, in the societies of men, one amongst another. Secondly, by the philosophical use of words, I mean such a use of them as may serve to convey the precise notions of things and to express in general propositions certain and undoubted truths, which the mind may rest upon and be satisfied within its search after true knowledge. These two uses are very distinct; and a great deal less exactness will serve in the one than in the other, as we shall see in what follows.

For Locke, civil discourse was about understanding multiple different opinions without needing to decide between them.  Being in civil discourse, he believed, enabled a more effective society. We agree.  The question is not IF we should be engaging in civil discourse and building connecting conversation with our family and friends, but rather when, where and how to do so. 

HOW we can enable connecting conversations

Lots of great people have explored how to have great conversations. We draw on their wisdom, adding insight from our own research on paradoxical thinking and both/and approaches. 

1. Decide when and where to engage in connecting conversations. The other day, I (Wendy) was talking with my daughter’s friend who is entering college. He was introduced to some incoming first years on a group chat. The chat quickly became political. Before even meeting one another in person, they started debating Middle East politics in the chat. He was feeling pressure to weigh in, but knew that the issues were complex and hard to express over text with people he didn’t know. 

   
   “Hold off,” I (Wendy) suggested. Connecting conversations require trust and respect, vulnerability and patience. These conversations happen best face-to-face between people. Social media, texts and other mediated communications muddy the conversations. I recommended to my daughter’s friend that he wait until he met these new friends, so that he could engage in a more respectful, curious conversation and when you have built some trust. He just started college last week with hopes of engaging in those conversations at the right time. 

2. Value the both/and - Social movements talk about winners and losers. Yet digging deeper shows that social progress is never unitary, but a synthesis of multiple stakeholder needs. The United States democracy formed as a synthesis between conservative and liberal values, federalists and states rights activists. As we have written about in the past, the suffragist movement bridged acrimonious tensions between the old guard and new guard, between white women and women of color and between men and women in order to achieve women’s right to vote.  

   
   The two of us have experienced the positive power of divergent views. When we listen to others with different perspectives, we can go beyond the polarizing headlines and find deeper points of connection. We start to find the overlaps on divisive issues like guns, climate, abortion, etc. Many of our debates involve multiple, often divergent, moral values and we can learn a lot of from understanding the breadth of these ideas. 

3. Seek understanding, not advocacy - The other day, I (Wendy) listened as two friends shouted at one another about the US elections. Both vehemently defended their positions. Neither one listened to the other. The conversation repeated well-worn TV and social media headlines. Everyone left exhausted and frustrated, doubling down on their own position. No one left uplifted or informed. 

   
   Conversation guru Chris Argyris pointed out three outcomes from conversations: 1) solving a joint problem, 2) learning, and 3) building relationships. Most people focus on solving a problem, and, even more specifically, advocating for their solution to the problem. But not every conversation needs to achieve that goal. What would it take to be in a conversation where you learn something and walk away feeling more connected to the other person? There is a time and place for advocacy. Importantly, the goal of a connecting conversation, however, is learning and understanding, not advocacy. 

4. Practice radical curiosity - University of Chicago Psychologist Nicholas Epley and colleagues wanted to see what it would take to help self-assured hedge fund investors improve. So used to espousing their own point of view, Epley and colleagues wondered if he could teach them to listen, and what the implications would be. At an offsite event, the told the investors they would engage in vulnerable, emotional conversations with strangers they never met, and asked them how they felt about the idea. Most people dreaded the activity. He then split them into partners and gave them deep, emotional questions to ask one another, such as: “Can you describe a time you cried in front of another person?” Ten minutes into the conversation, Epley asked everyone to stop. They didn’t. Twenty minutes into the conversation, he finally quieted people down. Many people had tears rolling down their cheeks and felt deeply moved by the experience. 

   
   Asking deep questions and listening to others enables powerful, human connections. Doing so starts with radical curiosity - seeking to learn about the other person’s position. Do you remember the last time someone asked you a deeply curious question and listened deeply to the answer without judgment? How did that feel? What would it look like to offer that same opportunity to others? To just ask with curiosity conveys respect and honor. You can lean into curiosity with phrases like “tell me more about….” or “help me understand more about how you came to this perspective.” Doing so is hard - especially when that person’s position may feel like an existential threat. Remember that in the long term, your goal is to build bridges and connections, not to convince and advocate. (Check out our list of incredible resources to practice radical curiosity). 

5. Offer your point of view with humility - Sometimes it's valuable to offer your point of view. Sharing your perspective can be vulnerable, and research shows that vulnerability helps to build trust and connection. Yet remember, use ‘I’ statements - this is only your perspective you are sharing. This helps you hold the humility that you have one approach - not THE approach. Stay away from phrases like, “everyone knows… or ‘everyone believes……” or even phrases that assert a belief as a truth. Instead, share a belief for what it is, your personal belief. 

Michelle experienced the benefits of a connecting conversation. 

As the bat mitzvah approached, Michelle was anxious. She wanted to be there for her niece but felt distant from her family. In an attempt to reconnect, she asked her brother to meet before the event.

Over brunch, Michelle opened the conversation gently, asking to hear his thoughts. He began defensively, sharing his fears for Jewish survival and personal experiences of antisemitism. Listening deeply, she continued to be curious about his beliefs. He started to share stories, some she had never heard before. He talked about his high school trip to Auschwitz to see the World War II death camp and how he vowed to never again allow such a horror. He talked about being excluded from a college fraternity because he was Jewish. He shared his post-college experiences in Israel where he considered joining the army to defend a country that offered a safe haven to Jews. He talked about his anxiety over whether his kids would be safe in the world. As he thought about his kids, he started to cry.  

With the waffles and pancakes finished, Michelle thought that was the end. But then her brother took a deep breath and asked about her. So she shared with him her experiences. She talked about her own experiences visiting Auschwitz. She also never wanted a mass killing of the Jews; she did not want a mass killing of anyone - including the Palestinians. She also wanted to ensure that Israel remained a safe haven for Jews, and believed that the escalation of conflict made Israel’s existence more precarious. She too started to cry when she talked about her Arab friends and the pain for themselves and their families. 

Three cups of coffee later, Michelle and her brother left brunch feeling heard, understood, more connected. They did not solve the problem, but they both did feel more insightful about its complexities. They also felt that the openness to continue the conversations.

There are so many good resources for building connecting conversations. Here are some that we have valued. We welcome your comments to add more to this really important topic.  

• Difficult Conversations: How to discuss what matters most by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. 

• Getting Along: How to work with anyone (even difficult people), by Amy Gallo

• Ask: Tap Into the Hidden Wisdom of People Around You for Unexpected Breakthroughs in Leadership and Life, by Jeff Wetzler

• Purposeful Curiosity, by Costas Andriopoulos

• I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times, by Mónica Guzmán

• The Cabinet: George Washington and the Creation of an American Institution, by Lindsey Chevinsky

And a great podcast….. 

• A Braver Way: How to fight right with Hamilton and Jefferson